Frustrated

Will it ever end? Will we ever have to stop going to doctors every two weeks? Will we ever NOT have to go to one and hear the dreaded " S" word known as "surgery?" Will we ever  be able to walk into a doctors office without screaming, "Please no more ouchies or pokes, I'll do anything Mommy." When will it end?

When can I walk into a doctor's office with my daughter and it be, " Paislee, you are doing so great and I'll see you for a physical next year or I'll see you for the next cold or ear infection or minor sickness you may have?"

We went to Paislee's pediatrician today for five year old physical and immunizations and for him to look at the incision and make sure the healing process is doing well. Paislee cried almost all the way there because it was another doctor to go to and she knew she had to have two shots. After meltdowns in the hallway and the elevator, I finally convinced her to come and a promise to take her to Chucke Cheese helped also. Hey, sometimes you just have to do what you have to do!

They called us to the room and the first thing was pricking Paislee's finger. With blood thinner, the blood just pours. So of course that causes a cry fit. Next, the doctor comes in. Not just one, but three. Our doctor had two students with him. So of course, they are all mesmerized by Paislee's heart surgery. They check out the incision which looks great. So we proceed. Here comes the ears.... I am sure everyone in the clinic heard the screams. As our main doctor tells the students to come look, I know this is not good. The hole in Paislee's ear she has from tubes is so big you can hardly tell it's a hole. You can look and see straight down the middle ear. The doctor pulls the instrument out and says so when is this surgery? It needs to be done right away. I just want to scream. We just had heart surgery... Hello? In other words, it's not looking good. We planned to have it in February but other things, like a heart tumor happened to come first. So the student doctors are in awe.  One of the students says, WOW, I have never seen anything like that. I wanted to say, " I am so glad I could make your learning experience worthwhile." ( sarcastic)

Our doctor's reply was, " Paislee is just a special child." 

So of course the last thing is the shots. Paislee asks where the clock is because she knew she got her blood thinner shots at a certain time. She told the nurse it was not 7:30 yet so she couldn't take one. It's sad she remembers her shot schedule. 

I am angry, frustrated, heartbroken, and so tired. As all of you mothers out there know, you hate to see your child sick and hurting.  What if you had that all the time? I know there are children out there so much worse than Paislee and I can not imagine what they are going through, especially their parents. 

While some parents are scheduling their child's soccer and baseball games, I am scheduling feeding evaluations, scope, echocardiograms, and EKGs. It is no fun. Now I am to the point that every school holiday is a doctors appointment, because I have been out of sick days for so long.  While on Good Friday you are scheduling Easter Plans, we have tests at Vanderbilt bright and early. 

I know that deep down God doesn't give you more than you can handle. Sometimes it's so hard to keep that thought. 

I am just having a night. A night where I am getting to that point, where I think I am finally stressed to the max. 

Meanwhile, I also have another child to take care of that has an ear infection. 

When will it end? 

I just stay strong like a mother does. I will go to bed tonight holding my children and wake up and tommorrow will be a new day! We will move on. That is what we do as parents. I have come to a conclusion that it will never end. Paislee will always see a heart doctor and many more and that will just be our life and maybe next year we can schedule the soccer games on the same calendar with the echocardiogram !!